Between God and Secular Ways

I clearly remember a youth winter retreat to Sierra House, a building owned by Gracepoint Fellowship Church, a church that I used to attend. The retreat took place in the beginning of the February of 2009. During that trip, I made a decision that would change the course of my life in a way greater than I could have ever imagined. I had attended church for five years, but I never made the decision to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. Being one of the only non-Christians in the youth group, I felt isolated and I was unable to relate to others. I knew deep down in my heart that God existed and that he loved me very much; I felt God's love for me through the love that I received from my youth teachers. My specific youth teacher was Teacher Mina. I knew that she really cared about me; she would give me rides to bible study and back home, prayed for me, talked to me when I had problems, and also hung out with me. The type of people that I met at Gracepoint proved the existence of a God. Nowhere else had I ever met such genuine people; they choose to put others needs over theirs.

Being convicted by the messages that I heard, I really wanted to establish a personal relationship with God. There was one thing that acted as a barrier between me and God though; I failed to confess my sins to others. I knew that if I confessed my wrongdoings, I would face rejection and be viewed as a freak. I questioned myself which was more important, my short life on this earth or my eternity after death. I tried to convince myself that this life was umimportant compared to eternity and that confessing my sins would release of my painful burden of guilt. No matter how much I argued in my head, the result was always the same. I knew that confessing would change my life for the better, but I was too afraid. I felt utterly helpless: stuck at a fork in the road. In the previous years that I went to church, I never really thought of the seriousness of my sins; I knew that I did bad things, but I never thought of it as a big deal. In the beginning, I only went to church to have fun and to pass my Sundays. Once I transferred from Joyland to youth, I started reflecting more on my life. T. Mina had talked to me on a previous retreat. She told me that I would really experience god work in my life if I would only open up my heart. She even said that she wished that she could take my burden for me. But, she couldn't. I knew on the last night of the retreat that I could not stay in indecision. I chose not to go to church anymore and push God out of my life. I was too cowardly to tell T.Mina in person, so I asked my friend to tell her for me.

I still do not know whether I made that right decision or not. Almost every single day, I still think about God. I think that now I have fallen into a state of depression. I feel as if my life has no meaning anymore; I feel as though I am just waiting for the days to pass until I die. I have developed bad habits of overeating, isolating myself, insomnia, and not doing my homework sometimes. I have lost interest in materialistic things; I have cleaned out a large portion of my room and it is almost completely empty now. I try to smile when I talk to others, but I know that inside, I'm not really as happy as I appear to be. I have come to realize how fake my pretense in being happy is. Being overwhelmed in guilt and self-pity, I always wish that somehow I would lose all my bad memories. I said that I made a decision to abandon the Christian values that I learned at church, but I feel as if I am still in indecision. I still have a tinge of hope that miraculously one day I will be a real Christian, but I know that it will NEVER happen.